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From the yearly archives:

2017

What happened today?

After months of silence, what do you write when you have nothing to say? Days and activities have been pretty mundane. But I’ll have to get myself out of this “rut”. This writer’s block we are all too familiar with. This mentality of not having time doing what you love doing.

Got to start somewhere, right?
So let me tell you about my day. I am at work, pacing between my laptop, the coffee machine, conference calls and meetings for next week’s agenda.

At the back of my mind, I am planning dinner. Tarun will be back tonight from his work trip to Dallas. I told him about the broken AC. We just replaced the washer and dryer, and the AC finally gave up on us too. Our weekend is going to be pretty hectic fixing everything that’s not working.

Fun.

On a much realistic fun note, the in laws are here. And their 50th marriage anniversary is looming away. Lots to plan and do, but I don’t know where the starting point will be.

So tell me, what happened today?

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Coping

….. with losses.

It’s been more than a year, yet the pain is very fresh. Very real. Very raw.

Sleepless nights, frequently garnished with dreams. A lot of vivid dreams. And when I’m left completely alone, or the thought of being alone, I spiral out of control.

I fall into a deep and dark place. Depression creeps in slowly.

Emotions goes out of whack and sadness looms without any notice. I’m easily agitated, angered and function with zero patience.

The only way to deal with it all is weeping uncontrollably. I wept a lot, all the time. Slowly but surely, realization kicks in — I needed therapy for depression.

Everyone deals with grieves differently. For me, realizing I have issues was the first step. Getting help was next, and it’s terrifying.

There’s this social stigma in our society for seeking help in the “mental” department. And sharing it over here on the blog, is definitely going to shock many in my social circle.

But let me tell you one thing — I’m depressed, and there’s a difference between being depressed and CRAZY.

Depression is not okay and anyone seeking help should be uplifted and not questioned.

Grief never goes away. It lessens with time, but never completely heals. So, please spare me with all the BS about pain going away with time.

The only thing that would really help me right now is HONESTY and HUGS. A ton of it.

And if you are grieving, don’t be alone. Seek hugs from your loved ones, and realize that it’s completely OKAY to see a therapist. You are not a nut case, neither am I. We just need to be well.

I need to be better for me. For my family. For him.

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